A B,

So what if I pretended to punch your gross sweaty salmonella tomato head boyfriend?  Everyone knows I hate him, and anyone with a sense knows he deserves it.  You looked retarded when you rolled your eyes.  I hope you heard us making fun of you.  Sorry ugly boy is the only one that showed any interest but you still shouldn’t have put yourself through sex with him.  He’s gross.  Have you ever noticed that his hair and face are the same color?  It’s hard to miss.

Hadouken!

 Liquid Lives is amazing.  I love love love love it.  “Our liquid lives, this is how we all survive!”  It’s definitely how I survive.

Kayla,

 It sucks that we have to sit next to each other during graduation.  The only thing that could be worse for me would be sitting next to Mike P.  I don’t really care about how bad it is for you because I don’t care about you.  Your voice bothers me and makes my ears bleed.  I hope you’re always a trashy fashion-less pauper.

Half of the ring lies here with me, but the other half's at the bottom of the sea.'

Look outside at the raincoats coming. Say "oh."

Is your bed made? Is you sweater on? Do you want to, like you know I do?

This feels so unnatural.

Dear Dionysus,

If you were real, I would totally become your devoted follower. You are the best god of them all. By far. And I love you, I truly, truly love you. So much. Please tell Ezra that I love him... get him wasted and make him love me too.

Your BFF,
Maureen

Dear Mason,

Please do your bangs like a normal person. You look stupid.

Quelle heure est il?

"I'll get it in the morning"

"This song makes my mind blow"

"Next week is a seven day week"

Johnny O,

Cut your hair please.

Us

Dear Austin,

You're hot. Remember when you yelled at that person parked in your way? We were on the balcony, we loved you. Hottie.

LOVELOVELOVE

Dear Us,

Smoking is cool. If I'm just bad new then you're a liar. I've got a bad feeling about this.

Dear Mom and Dad,

What were you thinking? Maine? Hello? After Belgium? You must be insane. Obviously we would do something for entertainment in MAINE. Fucking Maine. After goats and bakeries and British stores and circles and fights and Stella and Peach beer and ducks and ghosts and adventures and parks and BAS and every fucking thing that happened cause everything is way cooler than here. You ass holes. How Dare you. Fuck you. Did you want depressed kids? Cause that's what you got, you psychopaths. FUCK YOU! But I can't help loving every bit of your fucked up messed up insane lives.

Lovelovelovelove
Me

I wonder

if those other little bitches got booze tonight? I bet not. Haha.

HADOUKEN!

Keep writing loves. Amazing. Just. Fucking. Amazing. And the sound: killer.

Mr. P

You smell. And your stomach is fat. High school students don't think you are hot. SS and MJ do not want to fuck you. Get over it. We don't like listening to you talk!

Dear Maya,

You are a pee machine. Kiss you ass goodbye.

Love,
Maureen

Dear UMass,

We're going to have rockin parties. And food fights!

Dear College,

Thank you for existing. I am dying in highschool. Dying. Dying. Dying. Dying. Really dying. You have saved me. From? Suicide? Insanity? Poverty? Who knows. Who cares. I'm saved.

Love,
Maureen F.

PS. You rock. Babe.

Dear Dancing Dork,

I love you. Please fake drum play on my butt.

Love,
Maya

Dear Kyle,

Sorry I never added you on Facebook. I feel like a dirty bitch.

From,
Maya

Dear JD,

We want to FUCK YOU so much! Why didn't you look at us at all that night we stood next to you? If you had talked to us, we would have had sex with you. Really. Annie is good. Yeah? We know we're only 18 (and that is young) and we're basically hipsters, but we eat Lego candy from Old Orchard beach. So we have Lego Candy Kisses. We are really drunk. But who cares. Go Sundays with no liquor stores so we have to have Colt 45! It's better than those other losers at our school who have no alcohol cause their connection is gay Russian boy. We hate "Perch," he is a gay backstabber. You are hott. HOTT! Come back to the Boston area. We lovelovelove you! We do. Indeed. We know who Cobrasnake is. Even though you've never been on Cobrasnake you shitty Perry loser.

Dear Emmanuel,

Honestly! Summer is not for homework! Orientation is not for learning! Be smart, ass holes!

Dear Dan,

We're so glad we found someone who understands proper techno. We're ready to Uff (we hope you are too)!

Dear South Berwick,

FUCK YOU ASS HOLE!

Dear Mark the Cobrasnake,

You are nasty. But we still love you. Sucks that Cory had to F you to get famous. I don't think I would do that, but maybe. Steve is my babe. I heart him. I just bought your stickers and buttons. I'm happy. Photograph me.

Love,
Maureen and Maya

Dear Uffie,

You're hot. But it's gross when you wear see-through shirts. I wish I could go to Portugal just to see you. I wish I was you. Your tattoos are cool.

Love,
Us

PS. What's the Tootsie Roll?

Dear Moms,

Paranoia? Yeah right.

Love,
Your moldable kids

Dear Jimmy,

When Maya said she hated you, she didn't really mean it. She was just angry that she had to share her playground and her puzzles. Now, she really like you. And we both think your pots are cool. Please come party with us is the woods sometime. We have good connections. We can paint ourselves like Indians and dance around a campfire. Maya has some crayons that she stole. They come in handy. It was a Goosebumps puzzle, if you ever want to come do it you can. She's sorry for being a bitch.

From,
Your neighbor and her friend

Madeleine,

Get over yourself, and stop acting like a child.

Dear Ezra Koenig,

I think you are a musical genius and I am deeply in love with you.

Mr. JD Perry,

I'm really sorry your name is Jerry Dick. At least you're really cute, strong, and good at guitar. And it's lucky you can call yourself JD. Imagine if your name was Victor Dick. I would just call you Vick.

Dear Mr. Bumble Bee

I'm sorry for keeping you captive for so long. At first, I was planning on drowning you in alcohol, but you were too cute. Thank you for not stinging me after I set you free.

Dear Graunke,

Sorry for never doing your homework. It's not that I'm not interested in math, I just lost all my motivation.

When I was born, the doctor told my mom that I need to be challenged or I'll get bored (she's Indian, so she has mystic powers). After years of un-challenging classes, I've lost all motivation in most courses, especially math (everything before Calculus was a breeze). So now that I am being challenged, I just don't care.

Sorry. Just know it's not your fault.

Dear Backstabber,

Your head is shaped like an egg. That's not attractive. You'll never get laid in college unless you rape (which I wouldn't put past you). I hope you trip when you're drunk (alone, 'cause ugly people usually don't attract friends) and break both your wrists so you can never play tennis again.

You'll probably get kicked out of college because your brain will deteriorate. Just be prepared. Please write me when you do, so I can revel in your pain.

Are you friends with J. Hartman? Because you guys would probably get along. His voice makes my ear bleed too.

I really have nothing to say to you. You bore me. I was only friends with you for your house parties, lucky me I now know people who both own their own houses and are 21. have fun being quiet for your neighbors and paying for your alcohol.

I hate you,
Maureen

Dear J. Hartman,

You are undoubtedly the most annoying person I have ever heard speak (who is not a Russian (if you are a Russian, then, well, that explains a lot)). I think your obsession with others being gay and retarded proves you are both gay and retarded. Have you ever heard of Freud? Probably not. If your pea brain knows how to read, you should look him up, he'll explain your unconscious desires better than I can.

PS. I hope you magically turn into a half midget, half unicorn and get your head stuck in a toaster oven (your brain is small enough).

PPS. I hope hour hands fall off so you can never play Halo again. Jerk. If you ever call me retarded again, I'll kick you in the balls.

Gregor

Being a bug must be very hard. I wonder, do you still see color? Color would make it a little more bearable I think. Every time I see my dog I think of you: she is part human for sure. It sounds crazy, but I think some people (certainly you) can understand. Yesterday she and I had a dance party to Steve Aoki's remix of Metro Station's "Control." You don't know what that is, but trust me when I say it's amazing.

I don't know why I wrote this to you because you don't care that my dog is a hybrid and likes techno.

Mr. JD Perry,

I stood next to you during Saves the Day's set at Bamboozle Road Show. You looked bored.

Dear Herzog,

Disregard that last letter. I totally get why you write letters and don't send them. It's really therapeutic.

Dear Herzog,

I am becoming increasingly frustrated with you. You write all these letters, but do you ever send them? I understand it's your way of sorting things out, keeping your mind in condition, and coming to terms with what's happened, but actually mailing them might help. Especially the one to the billing company. Don't let Madeleine take your money too! I just can't stand that vile bitch. I'm really rooting for you, and i hope so badly that you get back at her. But I doubt you will be granted such a happy ending, important figures in intellectual novels rarely are.

Dear Herzog,

I keep talking about what horrible people Madeleine and Valentine are for what they've done, but now I remember you've done the same thing. you've been both the cheater and the other man. This is just the universe's way of teaching you a lesson. This realization makes it harder for me to be on your side, but I still am.

Dear Herzog,

I'm very sorry that the people who you thought you could trust turned out to be back stabbers. I think it's a trend with Russians (no offense to your heritage, that's just my experience). If it makes you feel any better, Karma usually works. Gersbach (although you seem to think he's a woman magnet) sounds like an old creep to me. Once he's done with Madeleine and tries for a younger woman, no one will have him, unless they have poor taste (you said it yourself, his family's not of distinction). And Madeleine's absolutely crazy. Your daughter will hate her, Gersbach will leave her, everyone will just get sick of her shit, and she'll have no one. I know you're a compassionate man and this probably doesn't sound too good to you, but trust me, it is. You need to stop being so timid. That bitch cheated on you, she kicked you out of your own house after forcing you to move to a completely different state, she spread rumors about your sanity, and she made your life miserable. Teach her a lesson! You were once a highly respected intellectual (another thing she ruined), write a book exposing her betrayal, her insanity, her trickery. Ruin her. And that disgusting Valentine Gersbach with his revolting hair, ruin him too.

Take your life back from those fat leeches.