Dear Wrist,

I'm sorry I cut you I hate you

Dear Kevin,

Your dog is dressed up like a pumpkin.

Dear Addie,

I love you more than anything. I miss you. I miss you so much. I am sorry that you got an electric fence. I hope you don't get shocked too many times. Please don't run into that anymoe ad get hurt.

Dear Kevin,

I don't like you cause you're threatening to kill me. You're trying to choke me and i said no please dont but you keep saying. Please dont kill me \. i like living and ive only been 19 for one day and i'd like to live to atleast 22 so i could drink a bunch of beer for one year and buy it myslef. and not have to get someone else to buy it for me and have to deal with that. i love life don't kill me.

Dear Nick,

you are my desktop, ohhhhh shiittttt. its like johnoooohhhhh but better cause you o crack boy. hit dat hi t day

dear river,

i would still let you live inside my soul. i would let you grow and flourish. 

Dear Burp,

you live inside of julie.

Dear Jake,

WHO ARE YOU?

Dear Eric,

OMFG I want you.

Dear Sparkling Cider,

You are certified organic---- and tasty.

Dear Dos Amigos,

I FUCKING LOVE YOU

Dear Monster,

I could drink you all day.

Dear Eric,

I love you still.

Dear Urban,

I steal shit from you all the time.

Dear Four Year Strong,

I didn't give a fuck about you till I got roomed with Julie White. Now I love the fucking shit out of you. I'm gonna come see you in December.

dear best quote ever,

this is what you are:

bennett needs to buy a soul out of a goddamn store.

Dear Julie,

write a letter. you should. it'll make you feel better.

Dear Franny and Zooey,

You are my best book ever. I love you. The ending is so good. Like the fat lady. holy shit! i love that book.

dear nick,

Have you looked in the mirror? Do you know what you look like? I'll tell you. You're hot. So fucking hot. I want you more than ugly butt does. More than you do.

dear eric,

I love you more than anything in this world. You are my soulmate and we belong together forever and ever.

dear nineteen,

you're pretty cool so far. I like you a lot. I hope we can become best friends by the end of the year.

dear eric,

 holy shit i kove you love you love you love you ove youy love you

you are such a good rappper, rapper, rppwea, rpper, rapper i love you i love you

Dear Panic at the Disco,

I've listened to your songs on the radio and stuff, but I never really got into you.  When your video for Northern Downpour came out, it showed up on my Youtube subscriptions, but I didn't bother watching it because I didn't care.  But when it showed up on Perez Hilton's blog, I decided to check it out.  I couldn't stop watching it.  I just played it over and over and over.  Eventually I bought it on itunes.  For the past few days I have been listening to it non-stop.  The lyrics and the music are just phenomenal.  

On Tuesday I basically had a mental breakdown: I had two panic attacks and nearly started crying about five times.  When  put your song on, it made me feel immeasurably better.  It made me feel less alone and less scared.  I had to write a paper about what I believe for my English writing class, and while I was brainstorming, I was listening to your song.  I wrote about how I believe in the power of music.

I know the world's a broken bone,

But melt your headaches, call it home.

Dear Moses H,

Although you slept with a married woman, the same as Gersbach, I feel that his indiscretion was greatly worse than yours.  Clearly what you did to that poor sick man was awful either way, but it wasn't as bad.  You didn't know the man; although you met him once, he was generally an abstract, unreal thing to you.  It is easy to convince yourself a person doesn't exist when you never face him.  It's not like you spoke to him everyday, used him for job positions, pretended to help him, pretended to sympathize with him, pretended to love him.  It's not like you were his best friend, as Gersbach claimed he was to you.  If Gersbach truly loved you, truly cared for you, he could never have done what he did.  Even if he truly believed you were insane, he should never have betrayed you so viciously and easily.  Gersbach is not a man, he is a fiery monster who feeds on the trust and respect of intelligent men, of worthy men.  He is a "beast of waste and desolation."

Dear Asian RA on 3rd floor,

I'm so sorry to have contributed to your distress this past Friday.  I know excuses are annoying but I feel like I should explain.  You see, I'm very unstable and on the brink of insanity.  My inability to speak seriously to people about it leaves me with the option of self-medication.  So basically I become belligerently drunk whenever I get the chance (unless I'm in a very good place (mentally) at the moment).  My instability eventually caused an eating disorder to develop.  Sadly I am too weak to simply not eat so for a long time I was bulimic.  Bulimia wasn't cutting it though:  I didn't lose much; it was hard to hide; I couldn't always purge in time; etc.  So when my brother told me he had Ritalin, I snatched at the opportunity.  The night I saw you, I had been without Ritalin for a week and had gained an unsightly amount of weight.  I was utterly desperate.

At first I thought you were an uber bitch, but now I realize you were just doing your job to keep us safe and out of trouble.  I thank you greatly for not writing me up and I promise to try my hardest to not be a problem in the future.

Dear Professor Mo,

I am so sorry that nobody comes to your lecture.  I come everyday even if I'm tired or sick.  I don't come to listen to the lectures or to take notes, I come because I love your enthusiasm.  It makes me smile when you get so excited about the universe.  To be honest, the universe makes me feel scared.  When I get messed up I cry sometimes about how pathetically insignificant we are.  And although I find the universe interesting, I just can't wrap my head around the idea that it's infinite.  It's too much to comprehend so I just don't listen.  But I do come everyday.

Maureen

PS. I like your new haircut.

Dear Andre,

Why homemade wine?  Why Why!

Dear Garrett,

You are so hot that I would let you fuck me even if you hadn't showered for four weeks.  Dump your girlfriend so we can fuck you.  We miss when you were so cool.  You being your whole band.    lovveelovvelove

Dear Caylee,

I want to save you.  I want to fuck the fagot up whose giving you drugs so you can play with your brother.  He makes us cry.  Oh My God Caylee don't.  It feels so good to cry sometimes.  I want to save you.  Oh my god andre, why did you make homemade wine?  

Scene

-Liquor goes to your stomach

-Alcohol goes to your brain

-Wine goes to you heart

It was this nasty nasty girl, and I thought it was you.

God is one... god is two..... THREE

This is our decision to live fast and die young.  We've got the vision, now let's have some fun.

"Only the cool kids go to Pre K"- Ronny

Maureen, you are amazing, you fucking CUNT!

woo haha aha haaha

Tempted Spice, So Soadie

I want some Sharpaigne

Dear Life,

Global warming was not caused by humans.  It was planned, you retards.  But stop trashing our environment.  We are murderers.  We are murderers.  We are killers.  Those animals lossed their lives to the greediness of US!  We ruined Mother Nature's baby.  Let's go back to the time of "Indians," back to their ways.

Dear boy on the glow-stick package:

get the fuck out

Mitchell Davis,

Please adae Maya's picture.

Dear Me,

"This is what happens when an immovable force meets an unstoppable object."

-The Dark Knight

Heath Ledger

The Joker

Dear Addie,

You're the best dog ever!!!  woo you are beautiful.

Dear Bulimia,

Why are you so powerful?  What the fuck!  Damn it!

Dear Mother Nature,

You are incredible!  And inspiring and knowledgeable.

You rock, with rocks BITCH!

Yeah!

Dear Colby from Gap,

I want you dick in my mouth!  I love you and I wish you were here!  woo we'd gang bang you and you love to party and we'd get crunk and dance to techno together!  

woooooooo!

Dear Weed,

I am undecided about you, but my family was revolved around you.  Should you be legal  YES!!  Fuck government! At least let us do whah twe want if it's safe!  No guns to kill people!  But weed, do it if you belve in it.

Dear Thumper,

You rock!  What are we playing?

Thumper

Why are we playing?

To get fucked up!

Yayy!!!  I love you. thanks for teaching me!

Dear Therapist,

you suck!  I don't want your fucking advise!  I just want biased, family-oriented, traditional, mom-ified, trusted, loving advice :)

Dear Maya,

I love you!  I really wish you were my sister! wicked bad.  Don't go to college!  I don't know what I'm gonna do without you!  I can't wait to see what happens 2morrow with Dan... shit!!!! A haha ahahahaha ahaaha!!! woo!!!  Lets do art sometime together, let's splatter paint a wall!  Someday you need to introduce I wanna be molested... by Christian Bale! Yahhh bitch! oh, you need to introduce me to your room mate and I'll let you come crash all my high school lamo parties.  hah... I love you gorgeous.  Try not to forget me when you leave!

Love always,

Jessie <3

your dumb shit

Dear face,

Stop being so ugly.

Dear water,

You fill my throat.  You fill my existence.  You are my existence.

Dear zone,

Save me, I am dying.

Dear music,

I absorb you.  Ears & heartbeats.  I'd let you eat my heart if it would save you.  You can never die.  Even if everyone was dead we would still appreciate & love you.

Dear ring pop,

You taste good when I suck you.  I could suck you all day.  You are petty, you are legit.  The taste never ends.

Dear awkward silence,

I love you because you make me feel less awkward.  You make me feel warm.

Dear Hadouken,

Let's get this party started!  No one would hurt you.  Never ever.

Dear MGMT,

Andrew! Oh Andrew!  Please love me, please fuck me, I would let you fuck me up.

Uffie,

grow those eyebrows back.  Then I would love you again.  right now I only like you.  Music is partly fashion & you're lacking it right now.

Dear

Luna Lovegood

CRANK IT UP!

I really do love so shut the fuck up about me being mad.  I love you.

Dear me when I was sixteen,

I miss you- you were happy.  You didn't throw up.  You knew who you were & you loved yourself & so many others.  You were complete- only for a few weeks but it was so fucking beautiful.  Everything made sense to you.  You were beautiful.  I miss you!  I'm two years older but I would give anything to be you.

Dear nail polish,

I paint the layers on.  Thanks for protecting me.  I love you cause bare is ugly- or at least

Dear Maine,

The band- I would fuck all of you except Pat.

(UPDATE: She would fuck Pat too.)

Dear Fafi,

I wish I had your hair.  I wish I had your artistic ability.  I wish I had your connections too.  I guess you could say I wish I was you but only kinda.  I'd rather be Keira Knightley.

Dear wristcutters: a love story,

I am inlove with you.  The end is so fucking cute!  I want to have sex w/ it.  Smile!  In underworld you can't smile, but in real life you can.

Dear Bitches,

clean up your ring pop wrappers.  I will fucking slit you throats. with a nail clipper.

Dear Butterfly,

Fly high.

<3

Maya

Dear

603

312

9269

NY!

Addie I heart you

Don't ever let them punch you last

Dear Michelle,

I never had anything against you but I'm a "bitch."  That makes me not only mad but sad.  If you were on fire I wouldn't spit on you.

Love,

Maya

Dear Dan,

you are dirt.  I hope you get buried.

Dear booze,

I love you.

Dear neck,

I hate you

Dear loud mouths,

Learn how to be quiet.  It makes you appear

Dear Seth,

I will never forgive you for abandoning me.

Dear Sky,

Thanks for being so big & for not swallowing me.

Dear Moth,

I wanna rip your wings off.

Dear Maya,

You're a booze lover and kind of a cunt.

Dear Stupid,

She has a vagina!

<3

Dear polaroids,

Thanks for rocking.  You make me think I look better than I really do.  

Dear Ruthless,

You are my favorite I love being ruthless because then I can't be hurt.

Dear headband,

I thought I lost you but then I looked at my wrist & there you were!  Are you magical?

Dear Addie,

You da bomb!  I'm going to miss you next year.  Who will let me pet them?

Dear sluts,

if you have a boyfriend you shouldn't invest so much time talking about other boys.  Not only does that make you trashy but it means you aren't faithful.  If you don't have faith then you go till hell.

Have fun burning,

Maya

Dear Alex,

you are awkward.

Dear Fakes.

Become real!

<3

Maya

Dear Tonight.

I am in a pissy mood?  Why must you find me.  This is gay.  I hate when things go gay.

Dear Maureen,

I will miss you next year so much.  Don't forget me

<3

Maya

Dear Dale,

I'm sooooo sorry that I am a bad girlfriend, but I still love you and I hope one day you will party w/ me and we can spend our lives together!!!

<3

Carly (your babygirl)

Dear Momma,

I love you and am soooooooooo proud of you.  I miss you more everyday and you inspire me the most.

I love you Mom,

Jessie <3

Dear Jac Vanek,

I am wearing your bracelet I love it, I hated you. once but not anymore.

Dear Blue,

You are the best color ever!

Dear Metro Station,

I hate you as people but your music is fucking ace!

Dear life,

you rock!

Dear Addie,

Maya loves you.

Dear Alex,

thanks for the marker.

Dear wearecrackwhores,

we love you! Thanks for rocking!

<3

Mo&Me

Fuck

me Oscar!

Dear Johno,

I wanna fuck your brains out! For real. Wanna love me cause I love you!

<3

Maya

Dear Mason,

you are short and fat! Cut your bangs!

Hot Celebs We Want to Fuck!

Christian Bale

Hayden Christensen

Camden "Never Back Down"-other one

Jamie Bell

Johnny Depp

Orlando Bloom

Heath Ledger

Johnny Knoxville

Chris Brown

Brad Pitt

Justin Timberlake

Adam Siska

Butcher

William Beckett

David Beckham

Gabe Saporta

Trace Cyrus

Steve-O -> $250 only!

Ryan Gosling

Michael Cera

Benjamin Mackenzie

Adam Brody

Jared P.

Jude Law

Prison Break Guy

wolf pack wolf pack wolf

vanessa carlton white houses white houses

Dear Mickey Mouse,

You rock!  I wear you on my boobies.

Dear Short hair,

I like long hair better than you.

<3

Maya

Dear Soda,

Thanks for being fuzzy. & bubbly.

Dear Monkey Business,

You are so funny.  Thanks for existing.

<3

Maya

Dear Bluebells,

Best flower ever!

WOLF

Pack!

Dear Johno,

For real, fuck me!

Dear Love,

Please find me!

<3

Maya

Kathleen,

I love you so much, you do not bring out the worst of me, you bring out the best in me and I love you for that I"m so glad I met you, you are one of my best friends.  I love you so much thanks for being my friend I LOVE YOU girl!

Dear Kathleen:

You were very mean to me ever since 7th grade. haha. Sixth grade was a fun time.

Dear the fuck face that is my biological father:

You are a low life fucking Scum bag who doesn't deserve to be living.  I hate how you embarrassed me with your cunt of a wife at the baseball field.  I fucking want to punch you in the face for all the things you said to kristen.  You fucked her up with your words and you deserve to burn in hell for it.  When I was younger and you chose her son over your own, what the fuck.  If I had the chance to fucking punch you in the face, I would, you piece of shit.  Fuck you and your family douchebag, burn in hell.

From:

your ex-son

Dear Daddy,

We love you.  You are amazing.

<3

M&K

Dear Vanilla Cupcakes with Chocolate Frosting and M&Ms,

You are the most delicious things I have ever tasted.  I would kill to have another of you.

Dear Addie,

You are so cute!  You are my second favorite dog.

Dear Ronnie,

Your mouth is blue.  That's weird.

FAMOUS MEN I WANT TO FUCK:

Sean Bean

Johnny Depp

Skeet Ulrich

Heath Ledger

Viggo Mortenson

Edward Norton

Orlando Bloom

Shia LaBeauf

Brad Pitt

Casey Affleck

Leo DiCaprio

River Phoenix

Jamie Bell

James MacAvoy

I love Keira Knightley!  She's so hot!

Dear Chris and Nick,

My god we want you.  Come to Mass and FUCK US! HOTT! YOU ARE HOTT! fuck us! 

I think that you guys are too full of yourself with every girl loving you.  Come back to earth and meet all the other hott guys that are way hotter than you, just not as successful.

Please put the fat attack video back on Youtube!  It's the best.

Dear Dan,

thank you for dropping out of the fuckiest band! we will interview you.

Dear Santa Claus,

I'm really sad you're not real  I believed in you for a really long time!

Dear Aunt Lynne,

Jessica is not an alcoholic!  She is my cousin.  And alcoholism runs in the family so don't try to fight it.  It's inevitable we are all going die in rehab. 

YEAH MOM!

<3

Jess&Mo

Dear Colt 45,

Thanks for being trashy & cheap.  Love you.

Dear bananas,

You are gross.

Dear Maggie,

You are awesome!

<3

Maya

Dear steve-o,

I am a young girl who wants your dick in me, anywhere.  I"m sure you have lots of girls that love you, but no one wants you as bad as me, trust me!  

call me sexxxy,

if you want PUSSAY

notes are for gay girls.

The movie!

annoyed girls are dumb!

some people are SO FUCKING stupid (gay)

she thinks she smart

cyoa!

C.W.h

notes dy

i want to go HOME

MEAN GIRLS GET STABBED

Choose Your Own Adventure!

foxes and bunnies.  fire and snow.  we're all just lost, don't know which way to go!

FUCK SHIT UP!

It says "talk to listen..." oh, press talk to listen!

college college college college college

fuck shit up.  fuck shit up.

Chris Purcell is a fucking god.

Chris Purcell.  Chris Purcell.  Chris Purcell.

HDKN. H! HADOUKEN!

I said, "No you don't."  NO YOU DON'T!

Drink till you're fucking dead.

Choose your own mother-fucking adventure.

Mean Girls Get Stabbed.

ELEPHANT && CASLTE.

alcohlism. alcoholism. alcoholism. alcoholism.

hello? HELLO!

gosh damn!

"Can you bring some coke or something, not cocaine, but like coca-cola?"

Dear Dan,

Fuck you up your god damn ass hole.  I hope you get raped by a 40 year old body building man with a massive massive dick and he rips your fucking ass into five pieces.  Then, while you're crying I will kick you in the balls and spit in your eye.  And then I will chop your fingers off and stick them up your ass and laugh while you cry.  Haha.

Dear Mike,

I just can't get over it.  I can't understand how you can be such a blatant backstabber and then not even get what you did wrong.  I just don't fucking understand it.  You're an anomaly, a fucking anomaly.  And also a damn asshole.

Dear Chris L.

You are gay and stupid.  Cigarettes are cool.

Dear Cunts,

You scared us.

Dear Chris Purcell,

Please, please, please, please fuck me.  I fucking love you more than anything.  Honestly, if you came to my house and said, "Please fuck me now," I would ripe off my clothes and do you immediately.  I want you. 

Maya,

I love you so fucking much!

Dear Bulimia,

I love you, but I hate you.  You're addicting and I can't quit you.

Dear Chinese Government,

Are you even fucking humans?  I can't believe you treat your fellow race with such disregard.  You sit by while the children of your own country are snatched from their parents and sold on the black market.  You sell murder weapons to brutal military regimes and don't flinch.  You vote against help for innocent women and men and children for the profit of your own country.  You're selfish and I hate you so much.  If you were a single person standing in front of me, I would beat you to death with my bare hands.  And I would love it.

Hatefully,

Maureen Frances Flanagan 

Keira Knightley,

You so pretty.  I don't believe that bad stuff about

Ian Thurpe,

I loved you once.

RIVER,

live. you can live inside me. any day.

The Hole,

You are disturbing.

Dear lungs,

collapse again & again.  over & over.  the rhythm.

Dear Mystic River,

Sean Penn back up your facts asshole.  You killed a poor man.  And then you went to a fucking parade.

Dear goodbyes,

I'm sorry I am so bad to you.  I cannot accept you.  I cannot take you seriously.  You are a bad joke turned golden yet you cannot set me free.

Dear movies,

You are not real.  You are fake.  You trick people into believing that life is so much better.  It is unsatisfying. 

Dear child molesters,

Get sucked up by a twister.

Dear Cory Kennedy,

Give me your life.  I hate your ads for sebastian.  You are better.

Dear Tattoos,

You hurt, but you are there forever, you will forever on my hip.  I will regret you but in the best way possible.

Dear Five Dimensions,

Explore my mind & break the caves.  Hide within but never fail.  I am the soul inside your ink.

Dear Heartsrevolution,

Choose my own adventure!

Dear bulimia,

You are killing me!

Dear Steve-o,

You are nasty.  Kathleen deserves better.

Dear Mitchell Davis,

Ohio sucks, come to Maine & fuck me hard.  You are genius! I love your videos.  They make me wanna make love to Youtube.

Dear cheaters,

Burn in hell.  Get raped in jail.

Dear Jr. High,

You are brutal.  You made me hate myself--doubt myself.  I hate you so much.

Dear Beauty,

Find me.

Heath Ledger,

I don't believe you're dead.  You were the first actor I fell in love with.  I am truly, deeply, in love with you.

Dear Olivia,

I'm mad that you have the same shirt as me.  Bitch.  Cunt.  Hoe.

Emily,

What happens when you realize you have a horse face?  You're already alone.  Remember when CRedd Kicked you out of his car for sucking (on a lollipop)?

YOU ARE GROSS.  I gag when I see you.  Literally.  *Gag*

TAI

You are the best.

A B,

So what if I pretended to punch your gross sweaty salmonella tomato head boyfriend?  Everyone knows I hate him, and anyone with a sense knows he deserves it.  You looked retarded when you rolled your eyes.  I hope you heard us making fun of you.  Sorry ugly boy is the only one that showed any interest but you still shouldn’t have put yourself through sex with him.  He’s gross.  Have you ever noticed that his hair and face are the same color?  It’s hard to miss.

Hadouken!

 Liquid Lives is amazing.  I love love love love it.  “Our liquid lives, this is how we all survive!”  It’s definitely how I survive.

Kayla,

 It sucks that we have to sit next to each other during graduation.  The only thing that could be worse for me would be sitting next to Mike P.  I don’t really care about how bad it is for you because I don’t care about you.  Your voice bothers me and makes my ears bleed.  I hope you’re always a trashy fashion-less pauper.

Half of the ring lies here with me, but the other half's at the bottom of the sea.'

Look outside at the raincoats coming. Say "oh."

Is your bed made? Is you sweater on? Do you want to, like you know I do?

This feels so unnatural.

Dear Dionysus,

If you were real, I would totally become your devoted follower. You are the best god of them all. By far. And I love you, I truly, truly love you. So much. Please tell Ezra that I love him... get him wasted and make him love me too.

Your BFF,
Maureen

Dear Mason,

Please do your bangs like a normal person. You look stupid.

Quelle heure est il?

"I'll get it in the morning"

"This song makes my mind blow"

"Next week is a seven day week"

Johnny O,

Cut your hair please.

Us

Dear Austin,

You're hot. Remember when you yelled at that person parked in your way? We were on the balcony, we loved you. Hottie.

LOVELOVELOVE

Dear Us,

Smoking is cool. If I'm just bad new then you're a liar. I've got a bad feeling about this.

Dear Mom and Dad,

What were you thinking? Maine? Hello? After Belgium? You must be insane. Obviously we would do something for entertainment in MAINE. Fucking Maine. After goats and bakeries and British stores and circles and fights and Stella and Peach beer and ducks and ghosts and adventures and parks and BAS and every fucking thing that happened cause everything is way cooler than here. You ass holes. How Dare you. Fuck you. Did you want depressed kids? Cause that's what you got, you psychopaths. FUCK YOU! But I can't help loving every bit of your fucked up messed up insane lives.

Lovelovelovelove
Me

I wonder

if those other little bitches got booze tonight? I bet not. Haha.

HADOUKEN!

Keep writing loves. Amazing. Just. Fucking. Amazing. And the sound: killer.

Mr. P

You smell. And your stomach is fat. High school students don't think you are hot. SS and MJ do not want to fuck you. Get over it. We don't like listening to you talk!

Dear Maya,

You are a pee machine. Kiss you ass goodbye.

Love,
Maureen

Dear UMass,

We're going to have rockin parties. And food fights!

Dear College,

Thank you for existing. I am dying in highschool. Dying. Dying. Dying. Dying. Really dying. You have saved me. From? Suicide? Insanity? Poverty? Who knows. Who cares. I'm saved.

Love,
Maureen F.

PS. You rock. Babe.

Dear Dancing Dork,

I love you. Please fake drum play on my butt.

Love,
Maya

Dear Kyle,

Sorry I never added you on Facebook. I feel like a dirty bitch.

From,
Maya

Dear JD,

We want to FUCK YOU so much! Why didn't you look at us at all that night we stood next to you? If you had talked to us, we would have had sex with you. Really. Annie is good. Yeah? We know we're only 18 (and that is young) and we're basically hipsters, but we eat Lego candy from Old Orchard beach. So we have Lego Candy Kisses. We are really drunk. But who cares. Go Sundays with no liquor stores so we have to have Colt 45! It's better than those other losers at our school who have no alcohol cause their connection is gay Russian boy. We hate "Perch," he is a gay backstabber. You are hott. HOTT! Come back to the Boston area. We lovelovelove you! We do. Indeed. We know who Cobrasnake is. Even though you've never been on Cobrasnake you shitty Perry loser.

Dear Emmanuel,

Honestly! Summer is not for homework! Orientation is not for learning! Be smart, ass holes!

Dear Dan,

We're so glad we found someone who understands proper techno. We're ready to Uff (we hope you are too)!

Dear South Berwick,

FUCK YOU ASS HOLE!

Dear Mark the Cobrasnake,

You are nasty. But we still love you. Sucks that Cory had to F you to get famous. I don't think I would do that, but maybe. Steve is my babe. I heart him. I just bought your stickers and buttons. I'm happy. Photograph me.

Love,
Maureen and Maya

Dear Uffie,

You're hot. But it's gross when you wear see-through shirts. I wish I could go to Portugal just to see you. I wish I was you. Your tattoos are cool.

Love,
Us

PS. What's the Tootsie Roll?

Dear Moms,

Paranoia? Yeah right.

Love,
Your moldable kids

Dear Jimmy,

When Maya said she hated you, she didn't really mean it. She was just angry that she had to share her playground and her puzzles. Now, she really like you. And we both think your pots are cool. Please come party with us is the woods sometime. We have good connections. We can paint ourselves like Indians and dance around a campfire. Maya has some crayons that she stole. They come in handy. It was a Goosebumps puzzle, if you ever want to come do it you can. She's sorry for being a bitch.

From,
Your neighbor and her friend

Madeleine,

Get over yourself, and stop acting like a child.

Dear Ezra Koenig,

I think you are a musical genius and I am deeply in love with you.

Mr. JD Perry,

I'm really sorry your name is Jerry Dick. At least you're really cute, strong, and good at guitar. And it's lucky you can call yourself JD. Imagine if your name was Victor Dick. I would just call you Vick.

Dear Mr. Bumble Bee

I'm sorry for keeping you captive for so long. At first, I was planning on drowning you in alcohol, but you were too cute. Thank you for not stinging me after I set you free.

Dear Graunke,

Sorry for never doing your homework. It's not that I'm not interested in math, I just lost all my motivation.

When I was born, the doctor told my mom that I need to be challenged or I'll get bored (she's Indian, so she has mystic powers). After years of un-challenging classes, I've lost all motivation in most courses, especially math (everything before Calculus was a breeze). So now that I am being challenged, I just don't care.

Sorry. Just know it's not your fault.

Dear Backstabber,

Your head is shaped like an egg. That's not attractive. You'll never get laid in college unless you rape (which I wouldn't put past you). I hope you trip when you're drunk (alone, 'cause ugly people usually don't attract friends) and break both your wrists so you can never play tennis again.

You'll probably get kicked out of college because your brain will deteriorate. Just be prepared. Please write me when you do, so I can revel in your pain.

Are you friends with J. Hartman? Because you guys would probably get along. His voice makes my ear bleed too.

I really have nothing to say to you. You bore me. I was only friends with you for your house parties, lucky me I now know people who both own their own houses and are 21. have fun being quiet for your neighbors and paying for your alcohol.

I hate you,
Maureen

Dear J. Hartman,

You are undoubtedly the most annoying person I have ever heard speak (who is not a Russian (if you are a Russian, then, well, that explains a lot)). I think your obsession with others being gay and retarded proves you are both gay and retarded. Have you ever heard of Freud? Probably not. If your pea brain knows how to read, you should look him up, he'll explain your unconscious desires better than I can.

PS. I hope you magically turn into a half midget, half unicorn and get your head stuck in a toaster oven (your brain is small enough).

PPS. I hope hour hands fall off so you can never play Halo again. Jerk. If you ever call me retarded again, I'll kick you in the balls.

Gregor

Being a bug must be very hard. I wonder, do you still see color? Color would make it a little more bearable I think. Every time I see my dog I think of you: she is part human for sure. It sounds crazy, but I think some people (certainly you) can understand. Yesterday she and I had a dance party to Steve Aoki's remix of Metro Station's "Control." You don't know what that is, but trust me when I say it's amazing.

I don't know why I wrote this to you because you don't care that my dog is a hybrid and likes techno.

Mr. JD Perry,

I stood next to you during Saves the Day's set at Bamboozle Road Show. You looked bored.

Dear Herzog,

Disregard that last letter. I totally get why you write letters and don't send them. It's really therapeutic.

Dear Herzog,

I am becoming increasingly frustrated with you. You write all these letters, but do you ever send them? I understand it's your way of sorting things out, keeping your mind in condition, and coming to terms with what's happened, but actually mailing them might help. Especially the one to the billing company. Don't let Madeleine take your money too! I just can't stand that vile bitch. I'm really rooting for you, and i hope so badly that you get back at her. But I doubt you will be granted such a happy ending, important figures in intellectual novels rarely are.

Dear Herzog,

I keep talking about what horrible people Madeleine and Valentine are for what they've done, but now I remember you've done the same thing. you've been both the cheater and the other man. This is just the universe's way of teaching you a lesson. This realization makes it harder for me to be on your side, but I still am.

Dear Herzog,

I'm very sorry that the people who you thought you could trust turned out to be back stabbers. I think it's a trend with Russians (no offense to your heritage, that's just my experience). If it makes you feel any better, Karma usually works. Gersbach (although you seem to think he's a woman magnet) sounds like an old creep to me. Once he's done with Madeleine and tries for a younger woman, no one will have him, unless they have poor taste (you said it yourself, his family's not of distinction). And Madeleine's absolutely crazy. Your daughter will hate her, Gersbach will leave her, everyone will just get sick of her shit, and she'll have no one. I know you're a compassionate man and this probably doesn't sound too good to you, but trust me, it is. You need to stop being so timid. That bitch cheated on you, she kicked you out of your own house after forcing you to move to a completely different state, she spread rumors about your sanity, and she made your life miserable. Teach her a lesson! You were once a highly respected intellectual (another thing she ruined), write a book exposing her betrayal, her insanity, her trickery. Ruin her. And that disgusting Valentine Gersbach with his revolting hair, ruin him too.

Take your life back from those fat leeches.

Yum.

I LOOOVVVEEEE
CANDY DOTS!!!!

Snow